There's something about a storm...

There's something about being alone in the house with the wind roaring through the woods behind us that has me thinking witchy thoughts. There's incense burning on the altar, and a shelf full of witchy books to read. But I've realized I have no general witchy books. All my general pagan books are about specifics. Encyclopedias of goddesses, books full of prayers, books about witchy housecleaning or herbs or tarot or astrology. I don't have any general witchcraft books. So I'm searching Amazon for interesting books. Not that I have the money to buy them right now, but perhaps the library has some of them?

So far I've been looking at Ann Moura's Green Witchcraft series, but I think it might be too wiccan-y for me.

I've also been looking at Lora O'Brien's Irish Witchcraft from an Irish Witch and A Practical Guide to Irish Spirituality.

Paganism: An Introduction to Earth- Centered Religions looks really interesting. The same author has published Pagan Spirituality: A Guide to Personal Transformation as a sequel.

I've heard conflicting reviews about Buckland's Complete Book of Witchcraft, but I guess it has to be a classic for a reason, right? And of course there's Silver Ravenwolf's Solitary Witch: The Ultimate Book of Shadows for the New Generation which is also a little iffy to me.

Anyone have any recommendations for general pagan/witchcraft references?

Drawing Down the Moon: Witches, Druids, Goddess-Worshippers, and Other Pagans in America is another one I'd like, but it's more a recent history of the people, and not so much a reference on the religion itself.

C is for Car Trouble

You may have noticed I haven't posted much in the last week and a half. We were in a car accident last Wednesday, and the car's been in the shop since then. (We're all fine, medically, but the car's pretty banged up.)

Sascha still hasn't found a paying job since moving here, so we're still living on his unemployment. I had a job over the holidays, temp work at a craft store, but that's over and done with. So the financial stress plus the car stress has left me in...less than a writing mood, shall we say.

I blogged about the Cu Sith, or Black Dog, a couple of weeks ago, and how it contributed to our last major car accident. I had finally almost completely gotten over my anxiety about THAT car accident when we had this one. Now I have flashbacks from both accidents mixing in my brain and nightmares. So I haven't been sleeping well, and only go to bed when I'm exhausted for fear of staring into the dark and rehashing both accidents. (Which is why this post is getting written at 3 am.)

When we get the car back I'm planning to do a protection spell on it, but I haven't figured out just what I'm doing yet. I know I want to trace a pentacle on the hood, both sides, and the rear, but I'm not sure with what yet. Obviously I don't want anything permanent. Maybe just some water with essential oils in it? I'm thinking of smudging the inside of the car too. I have a sage stick lying around somewhere.

I know a couple of protection prayers, to Brigid - I should find something to weave a Brigid cross out of, perhaps, and hang that in the car.

The other logistical thing I'm trying to figure out is - where to do this. We live in an apartment; the parking lot isn't exactly private. I could perhaps pull it off at the parking lot at the brewery where Sascha is volunteering - it's a bit more secluded, and all his co-workers are, if not outright pagan themselves, completely accepting of it. (His boss wears the Norse hammer around his neck at all times!)

(If you're in the Maryland/DC area, you should totally come by and check out the brewery - it's Baying Hound Aleworks in Rockville. The people rock and the beer is tasty. I'll probably be there Saturday, and looks like I'll start being there most Thursdays from here on out.)

Hmmm. I just found this ritual. I like it. I'll modify it, of course, for my gods, but it's a good starting point. Has anyone protected their vehicle? What did you do?

C is for Crows

Ah, crows. Crows and ravens have always been special to me. I grew up in the Pacific Northwest; there are crows EVERYWHERE, and the occasional raven. I remember walking to school, and seeing a crow sitting on the sidewalk, simply watching me as I approached, until he finally hopped to the side of the sidewalk to let me pass. Perhaps some of the connection came from the tabletop roleplaying game I was playing at the time, in which I was playing a were-raven. I could see the intelligence in the crows that made the game creator think they could be humans in disguise.

A crow in the forest behind our current apartment

So I grew up loving crows, and in high school when I started role-playing, found a deeper appreciation for them.

And early on in discovering my own witchiness, I spent some time with a dear friend of mine near Seattle. She's a witch, and had been for quite some time. Enough that she knew what she was doing at the time, and helped me with a lot of my questions. More than I think she realized I had. Simply being around her and observing her helped answer a lot of my questions. She has a close connection with a murder of crows. Watching her interaction with her flock, how they occasionally guided her through city streets or appeared when she needed a sign, deepened my appreciation further.

A year or two later, I was again in the Pacific Northwest while Sascha was deployed, and found there was a murder of crows that roosted in the trees surrounding my apartment. Every day I found feathers. Every day. And always in multiples of three. Always. I now have a large plastic bin full of black feathers; not enough for a cloak, which is what I'd really like to do with them, but a lot. I keep a couple of them on my altar.

I no longer live near a murder - at least not year-round. (There was a giant murder roosting in the woods behind my apartment for a week or so this last fall.) But I still occasionally see crows when I'm pondering hard questions. They always seem to show up immediately after I've made a decision, as if verifying I've made the right one.

When we moved from North Carolina to Maryland, we saw them on the shoulder of the highway every couple of miles. As if moving was precisely the right thing to be doing.


To the right is Boudi, being very curious about the bowl of crow feathers on the table. (That bowl is about a third of what I wound up collecting, and yes, that is a normal-height table, Boudi's just huge.)

Educating myself!

So I've enrolled in two classes on Coursera that start today. Coursera, if you haven't heard of it, is a website offering free structured classes; they have weekly readings, video lectures, and sometimes homework. It's an international site; you can take these classes from anywhere in the world that has an internet connection.

So the two classes I'm taking are:
Contraception: Choices, Culture, and Consequences
It lasts 5 weeks, the readings are a free download. It starts today, and I'll be diving into the videos and readings as soon as I'm done with this entry.

Introduction to Philosophy
This one lasts 7 weeks, also starting today. There seems to be online videos and readings. I've taken one philosophy course before, Introduction to Ethics, and I LOVED it, so I'm expecting to enjoy this one as well.

So I'm excited, and will probably be talking about these two classes on the blog in the future!


Oh! And in this same note, I've been watching Crash Course videos on Youtube. They have series on World History, Biology, Ecology, and Literature. I'm halfway through World History, I'm keeping up on Literature as it comes out, and I've started on Biology. But I find John Green, who does World History and Literature, a lot more watchable than his brother who does Biology and Ecology. (Though Sascha feels the opposite, so to each their own!) These are the same brothers that did the Youtube series Vlog Brothers. (I never watched that, but I'm told it was popular.)

Education. It's fun. :)

Sunday Photo

Boudi doing what she does best - cheering me up. This time by being derpy.

B is for the Black Dog

The Black Dog is a figure in British Isles Mythology. He has many names; Cwn Annwn, Garmr, Cerberus, Cu Sith, the Barghest, Hairy Jack, Padfoot - there are many more listed on the wiki page.

Seeing the Black Dog is usually a harbinger of impending death or doom. He's also associated with lightning storms, but he's most known as the portent of death.

I'm writing about him today because I've had a personal encounter with the Cu Sith, or Black Dog.

Sascha and I were driving from Oregon to North Carolina. He'd just come home safe from Afghanistan, so we were moving back to North Carolina. Most of our stuff had been shipped; it was just Sascha, the cat, and I in the car, along with the stuff we needed for the two week journey. (We were stopping to see sights as we went.)

In the middle of Montana, miles from anywhere, we were cruising along at 75 MPH (the speed limit on their interstates) when a very large black dog ran in front of the car. We swerved, attempting to miss it, hit it anyway, spun out of control, across the road, and into a fence. The car was totaled. Sascha was life-flighted to a hospital sixty miles away with a punctured, collapsed lung and two broken ribs. I waited with the car until a nice SPCA employee came to pick up our cat (she kept her at her house until we could pick her up again!) and then the tow truck driver drove me to the hospital. I had twisted an ankle, but was otherwise unharmed.

And it was on the hour ride to the hospital, while I was quietly, inwardly panicking because I had no idea if Sascha was alright, that I realized the dog we'd hit was black. (SPCA later told us it survived, somehow, but disappeared from the road. They THINK the family who'd lost it came to get it, but they're not sure.)

Sascha spent a week in the hospital. It took us another week to find a new car, pull our stuff out of the old one, and pick up Boudicca so we could continue across the states. But Sascha survived, and is pretty much back to normal now, a year later.

Running into the Black Dog remains the scariest moment of my life. I still have nights where I think back on it, and the moments after we hit, when I looked over to see Sascha with blood running down his face, telling me he couldn't breathe. Those are bad nights. I still have moments in the car when I think I see movement at the side of the road. It's been pointed out that I seem to have a mild case of PTSD, which I think I agree with, but I'm getting better. Those nights are few and farther between now.

Looking in from the back of the car, you can see how the driver's side buckled inwards and broke Sascha's ribs. Boudicca's carrier was right behind me. The actually had to cut Sascha's door OFF to get him out of the car.

View of the car from the front.










Part of me wonders at the timing. The only real ritual I've performed was just after Sascha deployed to Afghanistan; I performed a protection ritual to keep him safe. Every night he was gone I prayed to Brigid. And he came home safe, but it was like the universe rubber-banded on us. I pulled too much and it snapped back.

Sascha has mentioned this principle in regards to weather-working. He doesn't do it much, because it tends to backlash eventually.

Has anyone else observed this with magic? Energy backlashing when you've pulled to hard the other direction?

Has anyone else had encounters with the Black Dog?

Abortion Laws - MA, MI, MN, MS

Massachusetts - #16 - B-
29% of Massachusetts counties have no abortion provider.
Bans
Massachusetts has not repealed its pre-Roe ban, though it is now unconstitutional and unenforceable.

Biased Counseling and Insurance Prohibition
Partially unenforceable/unconstitutional requirement that a woman receive and sign a packet of state-approved materials 24 hours before an abortion.
Health insurance policies provided by the state for its employees may not provide abortion coverage for certain post-viability procedures, with exceptions for the woman's health.

Refusal Clause
No one's required to participate in abortions or sterilization procedures. Private hospitals don't have to provide/refer contraception, and religious organizations don't have to provide contraception or abortion insurance coverage.

Restriction on Young Women's Access to Abortion
Unmarried women under 18 must obtain the consent of one parent.

TRAP Laws
Unconstitutional and unenforceable restriction that abortions after 12 weeks must be performed in hospitals.

News Stories
Court upholds Massachusetts Abortion Clinic Buffer Law
Wiki entry on John Salvi, who murdered abortion clinic workers in Massachusetts in 1994


Michigan - #32 - F
83% of Michigan counties have no abortion provider.
Bans
Several bans, almost all of which are unconstitutional and unenforceable. But they keep trying.

Biased Counseling and Counseling Ban
24 hours before an abortion a woman must receive a state-approved packet of materials.
State Department of Community Health funds for pregnancy prevention cannot be used to counsel about or refer to abortion. They also must give funding priority to organizations that do not provide abortion except in the case of emergency.

Refusal Clause
No one has to participate in abortions; religious employers may choose not to provide contraception coverage.

Restrictions on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Public funding for abortion is prohibited except to save the woman's life or in cases of rape or incest.
Women under the age of 18 must obtain parental consent from one parent with no exceptions for rape, incest, or child abuse.

TRAP Laws
Facilities have their own unique licensing scheme, effectively requiring abortion clinics to be mini-hospitals. Doctors must have referring privileges at local hospitals.

News Stories
Michigan governor signs new abortion law


Minnesota - #18 - C+
95% of Minnesota counties have no abortion provider.
Biased Counseling and Counseling Ban
24 hours before getting an abortion a woman has to sit through a state-approved lecture, in person or by telephone.
Family planning grants from the state can't go towards abortion. They also can't make grants under the "Positive Abortion Alternatives" program for abortion services.

Restrictions on Young Women's Access to Abortion
Women under 18 must wait 48 hours after notice is delivered to BOTH parents, either by certified mail or in person by the attending physician. Waived in cases of child abuse.

TRAP Laws
Abortions after the first trimester must be done in a hospital or licensed "abortion facility" (which usually have to be mini-hospitals themselves.)


Mississippi - #48 - F
99% of Mississippi counties have no abortion provider. (Soon to be 100%!)
Bans
Several unconstitutional and unenforceable bans on abortion, with one near-total criminal ban on abortion to take effect if Roe v Wade is ever repealed.

Biased Counseling, Counseling Ban, and Insurance Prohibition
24 hours before getting an abortion a woman must sit through an in-person, state approved lecture by the attending physician.
Public school nurses are prohibiting from counseling about abortion. No money from the Mississippi Children's Trust Fund may be used for abortion counseling or services.
No public funds can be used for abortions for state employees, except for rape or incest of inviability of the fetus. Insurance plans under the new state exchange cannot cover abortion except for rape, incest, or health of the mother.

Refusal Clause
No one is required to participate in ANY health care service.

Restrictions on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Prohibits public funding for abortion except in cases of rape, incest, to save the life of the mother, or if the fetus is not viable.
Unmarried women under 18 must obtain the written consent of both parents. No exception for rape, incest, or child abuse.

TRAP Laws
The TRAP laws in Mississippi are forcing the state's sole remaining abortion provider to close its doors. After remodeling and following all the mini-hospital guidelines, none of the doctors have been able to secure admitting rights at any nearby hospitals. The law requires them to have such rights, but does not require the hospitals to give it to them. Which shuts them down. The LAST REMAINING CLINIC IN THE STATE. All of the surrounding states have 24 hour delay laws, which means the women of Mississippi will have to travel out of state, stay overnight in a hotel, and THEN get an abortion. As if getting an abortion wasn't stressful enough.

Other laws

Section 97-29-11 of the Mississippi Code makes being the parent of an illegitimate child a misdemeanor, and requires that the State Health Department report out-of-wedlock births each month. The misdemeanor is punishable by “not less than thirty (30) days nor more than ninety (90) days or by a fine of not more than Two Hundred Fifty Dollars ($250.00), or both.” For repeat offenses, the jail time and fine double.  While this policy is not enforced, it is still valid law in Mississippi.

News Stories
Mississippi's last clinic fights to stay open
Mississippi and the state of Abortion 40 years after Roe


National Report Card
Part 1: Intro and Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas
Part 2: California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware
Part 3: Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho
Part 4: Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas
Part 5: Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland
Part 6: this post

Abortion Laws - KY, LA, ME, MD

Kentucky - #41 - F
98% of Kentucky counties have no abortion provider.
Bans
Unconstitutional and unenforceable criminal ban on abortions after 12 weeks.

Biased Counseling, Counseling Ban, and Insurance Prohibition
Partially unenforceable law about the state-sponsored packet of materials that must be received 24 hours before an abortion. Court blocked the in-person requirement; still must get it by mail or telephone counseling session.
Hospitals providing sexual assault care cannot inform the woman of her option to abort. School districts can't offer information or referrals to/about abortion.
Insurance can't cover abortion except to protect the life of the mother, unless the woman buys an optional insurance rider.

Refusal Clause
No one is required to participate in abortions.

Public Facilities Restriction
Abortions may not be obtained at publicly owned hospitals or other publicly owned healthcare facilities except to save the life of the mother.

Restrictions on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Prohibits public funding from being used for abortions except in the case of rape, incest, or danger to the life of the mother. Portions of the law are unconstitutional and unenforceable.
Unmarried women under the age of 18 must obtain parental consent from one parent with no exceptions for rape, incest, or child abuse.

TRAP Laws
Doctors must have admitting privileges at local hospitals, abortion facilities have specific regulations, and clinics are susceptible to inspections at any time with no provisions made for the privacy of patients.

Other Laws

"If . . . the United States Constitution is amended or relevant judicial decisions are reversed or modified, the declared policy of this Commonwealth to recognize and to protect the lives of all human beings regardless of their degree of biological development shall be fully restored."

News Stories
Kentucky heading for more anti-abortion legislation


Louisiana - #50 - F
92% of Louisiana counties have no abortion provider.
Bans
Several unconstitutional and unenforceable bans on abortion.

Biased Counseling, Counseling Ban, and Insurance Prohibition
A woman seeking an abortion must sit through a lengthy state-approved lecture by the doctor at least 24 hours before the abortion.
No one employed by the state or receiving government funds can advocate for abortion.
Health insurance policies in the state cannot cover abortion, no exceptions.

Refusal Clause
No one is required to participate in abortions except in emergencies to save the life of the mother.

Public Facilities Restriction
No public facilities or public funds can be used for abortion except to save the life of the mother.

Restrictions on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Prohibits public funding for abortion except to preserve the life of the mother or in cases of rape or incest (reported to law enforcement).
Women under the age of 18 must obtain consent from one parent, with no exceptions for rape, incest, or child abuse.

TRAP Laws
I don't even know how to summarize this, just check the link. Unique requirements for the facility, unique medical malpractice liability, other stuff.

Other laws

"The Legislature does solemnly declare and find in reaffirmation of the longstanding policy of this State, that the unborn child is a human being from the time of conception and is, therefore, a legal person for purposes of the unborn child's right to life and is entitled to the right to life from conception under the laws and Constitution of this State. . . . [I]f those [abortion-related] decisions of the United States Supreme Court are ever reversed or modified or the United States Constitution is amended to allow protection of the unborn then the former policy of this State to prohibit abortions shall be enforced." 

News Stories
Report says Louisiana is the most pro-life state


Maine - #7 - A
69% of Maine counties have no abortion provider.

Refusal Clause
Maine has some pretty extensive refusal laws. People don't have to participate; pharmacists don't have to fill prescriptions if it's against their conscience, religious employers don't have to cover contraception in their insurance plans.

Restrictions on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Prohibits public funding for abortion except in cases of rape or incest, or to save the life of the mother.
Women under 18 must obtain consent from one parent with no exception for rape, incest, or child abuse.

TRAP Laws
Only licensed physicians may provide abortions.



Maryland - #5 - A
63% of Maryland counties have no abortion provider.

Refusal Clause
No one is required to participate in abortions, sterilizations, or artificial inseminations. Religious employers are not required to provide contraception coverage in their insurance.

Restrictions on Young Women's Access to Abortion
Women under 18 cannot get an abortion until one parent has been notified, unless the physician believes notifying the parent would not be in the best interests of the minor. No exception for rape, incest, or child abuse.

TRAP Laws
Maryland's trap laws are somewhat reasonable. A facility that provides surgical abortion as a regular service must be licensed as a surgical facility.

News Stories
Anti-Choice protestor disturbs inauguration



This post is part of a series.

National Report Card
Part 1: Intro and Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas
Part 2: California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware
Part 3: Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho
Part 4: Illinois, Indiana, Iowa, Kansas
Part 5: Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland
Part 6: Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi

Abortion Laws - IL, IN, IA, KS

Illinois - #17 - B-
92% of Illinois counties have no abortion provider

Bans
Unconstitutional and Unenforceable ban on abortion.

Counseling Ban and Insurance Prohibition
Grants provided under the "Problem Pregnancy Health Services and Care Act" which is designed to "expand and improve the availability of, and access to, needed comprehensive community services which assist problem pregnancies and to obtain proper care and assistance to those persons in need" cannot include reference to or about abortion.
Insurance paid for with state funds can't cover abortion.

Refusal Clause
No one is required to perform an abortion.

Restrictions on Young Women's Access to Abortion
Unenforceable currently, pending court judgment. Would require parental notification.

TRAP Laws
Requires abortion facilities to be ambulatory surgical treatment centers, regardless of types of abortions performed.

Other Laws

The General Assembly "solemnly declare[s] and find[s] in reaffirmation of the longstanding policy of this State, that the unborn child is a human being from the time of conception and is, therefore, a legal person for purposes of the unborn child's right to life and is entitled to the right to life from conception under the laws and Constitution of this State. . . . [I]f those [abortion-related] decisions of the United States Supreme Court are ever reversed or modified or the United States Constitution is amended to allow protection of the unborn then the former policy of this State to prohibit abortions unless necessary for the preservation of the mother's life shall be reinstated." 

Indiana - #36 - F
95% of Indiana counties have no abortion provider.
Bans
Ban after 20 weeks or viability, whichever is earlier. Ban after 12 weeks ruled unconstitutional&unenforceable.

Biased Counseling, Counseling Ban, and Insurance Prohibition
At least 18 hours before an abortion, the woman must sit through a state-approved lecture. The employees of the Indiana Office of Women's Health may not advocate for, promote, or refer to abortion. Health insurance policies under the new state exchange may not cover abortion except for the health of the mother, rape, or incest.

Refusal Clause
No one is required to perform or participate in abortions.

Restriction on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Prohibits public funding for abortion.
Women under age 18 must obtain written consent from one parent, with no exceptions for rape, incest, or child abuse.

TRAP Laws
The State department of Health has authority to enact further trap laws without government approval. Abortions must be performed in hospital/hospital licensed facilities. All abortion providers must have admitting privileges with local hospitals.

News Stories
Fetal Anomalies and Medication Abortion Next Targets of Indiana's Anti-Choice Legislature


Iowa - #19 - C+
91% of Iowa counties have no abortion provider.
Bans
Unconstitutional and unenforceable ban after 12 weeks.

Refusal Clause
Individuals and Hospital that are not controlled, maintained, or supported by a public authority may refuse to perform or participate in abortions except in emergencies.

Restriction on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Prohibits public funding for abortion care unless the pregnancy threatens the life of the mother, the fetus is physically deformed, mentally deficient, or affected with a congenital illness, or the pregnancy is the result of rape (reported within 45 days of the occurrence) or incest (reported within 150 days of the occurrence).
Unmarried women under the age of 18 cannot get an abortion until 48 hours after one parent has been notified by certified mail or in person with the attending physician. Includes exceptions for child abuse, rape, and incest.

TRAP Laws
Only physicians licensed in surgery may perform abortions.


Kansas - #46 - F
97% of Kansas counties have no abortion provider.
Bans
Criminal ban on abortion after 22 weeks, measured from the woman's last menstrual period. In addition, allows the offending physician to be sued by the woman, her spouse, and her parents if under 18.

Biased Counseling, Counseling Ban, and Insurance Prohibition
24 hours before the abortion a woman must receive an extensive packet of state approved materials.
Kansas Department of Health may not enter contracts with organizations that provide abortions.
Health Insurance Policies may not cover abortion unless a woman purchases an optional rider.

Public facilities and employees ban
No public facilities or employees may participate in abortions.

Refusal Clause
No one may be required to perform/participate in an abortion or sterilization. In addition, no one may be required to provide birth control, including pharmacists.

Restrictions on Low Income Women's and Young Women's Access to Abortion
Prohibits public funding for abortion except to save the life of the mother or in cases of rape or incest.
Women under the age of 18 must obtain consent of BOTH parents, with the exception of incest. Additionally, she must attend a counselling session with a parent, guardian, or other trusted party over the age of 21.

TRAP Laws
Abortion providers are subject to their own, very restrictive set of laws. They must be located within 30 miles of a hospital, and every physician at the clinic must have admitting privileges at that hospital. All facilities must be open to inspection at least twice a year, one of these without notice. Records must be available for inspection, with no privacy for the patients. (This section is fairly extensive, I'm not going to reiterate it all here.)

Other News Stories
Kansas is probably the most well-known for the murder of Dr. George Tiller, one of the last doctors to provide late-term abortions in the U.S. His clinic is set to reopen this spring, after four years. They had to remodel it to meet TRAP laws first. Abortion opponents are trying to stop the remodel.
The ACLU has given up trying to stop the Insurance Ban from going into effect, but it's going to court anyway.



This entry is part of a series on abortion laws across the U.S. Other parts can be found here:
National Report Card
Part 1: Intro and Alabama, Alaska, Arizona, Arkansas
Part 2: California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware
Part 3: Florida, Georgia, Hawaii, Idaho
Part 4: this post

Part 5: Kentucky, Louisiana, Maine, Maryland
Part 6: Massachusetts, Michigan, Minnesota, Mississippi

B is for Breaking Bonds

I mentioned in last week's post that I no longer felt I had to hide my altar; that I was happy that I knew no one would be entering my house who would judge me for it. There's a reason for this development. But first, some history.

I was raised very conservative Christian. I was the good little Christian girl. I was saving sex for marriage. I was homeschooled until eighth grade. I thought dinosaurs lived alongside humans in biblical times. (Hey, Job mentions leviathan and behemoth, those are obviously dinosaurs!)

It wasn't until a few years out of high school that I really started questioning those beliefs; Sascha helped a lot simply by asking me questions and encouraging me to think - really THINK - about why I believed certain things. Even so, while I was questioning things, I didn't really make up my mind until I moved away from my home state, away from my family's influence. Without the constant pressure to be the good daughter, without fear of family judgement, I was finally able to decide that no, I was not Christian. I don't believe in God and Jesus or hell.

Making this entire process slower was the way I'd been raised; women are subordinate in the household; you should be quiet and obedient. I mean, that wasn't said in so many words, but men were the heads of households. Men were pastors and elders of the church. Women don't get positions of authority. So mixed up in these religious beliefs were also beliefs about my place, and the lack of confidence in my own judgement and reasoning. (Trying to make a decision? Don't make it alone, look it up in the Bible and pray about it, because your reasoning is never good enough.)

That was five years ago. It's taken me this long to realize my judgement is sound; I can be logical and reasoning. I have a right to make my voice and opinions heard. And they are NOT the same opinions as my family.  I've even somewhat repaired the damage to my history and science education.

So this last holiday season, my family, as usual, made a big deal on Facebook about "It's Merry Christmas, NOT Happy Holidays!" and "Jesus is the Reason for the Season." Being a pagan who celebrates the Solstice, and having pagan and Jewish friends who are also celebrating holidays other than Christmas, I couldn't let this go. To one of my mother's posts (the one with Ben Stein saying he's not offended by Merry Christmas, if you know it) I posted three very long, very thought-out comments refuting the speech, statement by statement. Including the Snopes link saying that most of that is not, actually, from Ben Stein. My mother deleted the post.

My favorite cousin re-posted the Ben Stein thing about a week later, which was when I discovered my mother had deleted hers. I told my cousin I would have linked her to my response, but I couldn't find it, so I just left the Snopes link. My mother FINALLY commented in reply, saying "I don't care who said it" but then continuing on to say "I'm sorry we failed you and I hope you see the truth someday." Saying she didn't care about the truth of a thing and they saying she hoped I found the truth pissed me off and made me laugh out loud at the same time.

There were other Facebook posts that I objected to, and either didn't get replies to my comments or they were to the same effect. I did not get mad in my comments, I simply pointed out there were other holidays being celebrated at the same time, and I'd rather be inclusive with my "Happy Holidays" then exclude everyone who wasn't Christian.

Well, last week I posted a picture I found that said "If in 2012 I have said anything that pissed you off, annoyed you, or offended you in any way, SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP because 2013 isn't going to be any different!"

My mother replied and said since I was comfortable saying the "F" word but offended by Merry Christmas, she was blocking me from her Facebook feed. I promptly removed her, my father, a very religious aunt, and another conservative uncle, leaving only my older brother, his wife, and two cousins. I'm guessing my brother and his wife will probably follow shortly.

And I feel FREE. Holy shit. The last several months I'd gradually stopped censoring myself on Facebook; my friends know who I am. To try to pretend to please my family was tiring. But I still had the "well, I'm gonna get flak for that statement!" stress when I posted things I knew my family wouldn't agree with. And it's GONE.

It's taken almost six years, but I finally feel free to be my complete self. My pagan, feminist, pro-choice, liberal, profane self. 2013: the year I finally broke free.